Observations On Being Home

Well it has definitely been an interesting trip home. I was extremely excited to see and finally try on my dress! I am so excited. Then after all the excitement of the day I was tired and decided to go to bed early. That was when I decided to have an allergic reaction to..well, something. So I freaked out and went to the er which is always so much fun. It was definitely something in the house because I felt so much better after leaving. Anyways, that was taken care of and fortunately didn't occur again.

Sunday proved to be another interesting day. I was expecting it to be so, but not to the extent that it was. To be blunt and honest I never look forward to going to church with my parents while at home and usually try to get out of it by going somewhere else. I don't like their church or agree with some of the things they do there. One eye opening experience on this trip is that I have realized how different I am from the rest of my family. I mean yeah there is a huge generation gap, but I was reminded how old people don't like to change and how they lack understanding of younger generations and how they are changing things.

Church was at least somewhat bareable this time. Although I sware the choir is following in the footsteps of Southeastern Singers because they all had a colored shirt and black pants and jackets on. They even sung the same songs we always sang at school. It was like a bad flashback to Southeastern chapel, well during worship at least. The no children under 2 in the sanctuary still bothers the tar out of me. I know why they do it, but it drives me crazy when churches do not consider the thoughts or feelings of first time visitors. If I have a small child and I am at a church for the first time I am not going to just drop them off in a nursery and most people wont. To most visitors that is just a sign that tells them they don't want to mess with children or a plug for their 'wonderful children's ministry.' Of which honestly, a first time visitor doesn't care about.

Even the pastor had crued and what he thought were funny jokes about the president. It totally turned me off. Of course everyone is going to have their own opinion and thats fine, but in a church service is not the place to voice it. I despise services that have nothing but a political agenda.

At home the conservation got even more interesting. For some reason even when I do not go to church with my parents when I am home they still have to discuss every detail over and after lunch. So of course everyone is just talking about how wonderful the service was and how much they love the church. Then they started discussing the children's ministry and how much they have done with the kids and how great it is. "They have an amazing two story playground for the kids to play on inside!" Oh how wonderful it is it is just so good. I fought to keep my mouth shut. It angered me so bad. Why does everyone think all we need for kids at church is a good playground? We don't teach our kids about the Bible but we still wonder why 'our kids are so disobedient and disrespectful these days.'

Then they continued on talking about some church that is building a gym on campus and how much money it will bring in and how good it is to encourage their leaders and church to be in shape and healthy. And oh its just going to be the next big thing that every church is going to do and have. Really? Do Christians not realize that most communities and society already has this? Why are we wasting our money on building big fancy gyms on church property when there are 2 across the street from your church? Why don't Christians use what is already in the community and appreciate it? Beacuse of our Christian pride that says oh yes they have one but we can make it better because we are Christians. Nothing pisses me off more. All we do is waste money and property and anything else we are given when we have decent places to go we just won't because they don't have Christ's name plastered everywhere. No wonder non Christians hate us.
I'm beginning to do the same. To make it even worse we do it with everything. Have you been to a church in the last 5 years that doesn't have a coffee shop or cafe? Probably not. What about a highly themed youth and children's area that looks something like chuckie cheese or monkey joes?

And a part of all of this that was also brought up by my own family is this whole, "it's not from America so we aren't buying it." Have you never noticed before that most of the fruit and other foods in most chain grocery stores are not from America, are you just now catching onto this? Now I don't think that everything should be sent to be done overseas, obvioulsy we need jobs here too, but I'm not going to go to such an extreme as they are. It's a little crazy to me. Just another difference between generations. They think on an American mindset and I think on a more global mindset. It's not all about America, there are other continents out there that are trying to survive too.

I am shocked at the extent of hate and horrible things that I have heard "conservative" Christians say about our president since I have been home. I don't know if it is just this area or if I am just not observing it at home but either way I am shocked and disgusted. I mean to hear on the radio a joke about how they wished the president would "have heart failure and drop to his knees and be cold before his head hit the floor." Wow! Seriously? I am horribly disgusted and ashamed that anyone would say this as a joke, much less people who claim to be Christians. And these are the same Christians that don't understand why their children are so violent. Really?

What is our problem, what is our issue? Why are we speaking and acting like this? I feel like everyone has gone crazy thinking the world is going to end and the economy is going to fail. Personally I don't think its that bad. You have depressions you have times of growth. I hope that we will eventually come out of it and things will get better, but at the same time I think it is time for people to become a little smarter about how and what they spend their money on. And ok what if it doesn't? What if America absolutely fails and crumbles what then? Why does everyone thing that America has to be the answer?

Dreaming Of The Way It Could Be

As I was in the bookstore looking for some preschool teacher materials for some new, different ideas for the classroom I realized something. There are none. Everybook I looked at today said the same thing, had the same ideas, crafts, and games. Really, seriously? We haven't came up with anything new yet? It is extremely frustrating to try to come up with new things when you are stuck in the same pattern everyday.

So this then of course got me thinking about the whole concept of school and education and how it is done today. We all know that schools on the most part are screwed up and kids are not learning or at least not at the level they should be. There are many reasons why I think this is so but the one thing that bothers me the most happens to be the most obvious concept to me.

Keep in mind I am mostly speaking of preschool education but it could even be done in school aged kids after working out the difficult details. Today I will just be discussing the early years setting. Mostly you base classrooms on ages. You have a one year old class a three year old class etc. Which obviously sounds good because for the most part children the same age learn the same information and are on very similar levels. But as much as it is not going to be admitted by staff, you have kids in every class that the teacher does not know how to work with or handle, are on a different level or maybe works better with another teacher. Yet they are kept in that class because of their age or some other minute reason instead of being put where they can learn and develop better.

Then on the other end, you have a child or children that are learning and developing at a great rate and have developed a great bond with their teacher and what seems like as soon as they are growing and doing good it is time for them to move to a new class with a new teacher in a completely different environment with a completely different teaching style. Also, this new teacher has to take the time to learn and understand that new child and their learning style in order for them to be able to just keep up the momentum the teacher before had going. Not to mention many other issues that could arise at this time. The previous teacher already knows what that child knows and what they need to work on, what is next. The new teacher has to figure all this out when they first enter their class. Are they where they should be emotionally, cognitively to be in this class? Do we not see how this is affecting the childs development and desire to learn?

And let's face it, let's be honest here. Some teachers that are above or below you in the line of where the kids go next may not care as much, or may not teach as much. I see it all the time and I'm sure other teachers do too. You spend all your time and energy in getting this kid to this certain level and then they move to the next class and the teacher has the least care in the world about that certain thing you worked so hard on and they give in or do nothing and the child falls right back to the level they were at when you first had them in your class. Is there anything else that could piss you off more?

I don't understand why we don't take a more personal look and discover what kid works best with what teacher and keep them there? Why throw them around from class to class when you know that they work well with this certain person? Isn't that what we all want anyway? Parents want the best teachers for their kids, college students want the best professors to mentor them and help them even in non academic areas of their life. We all want that person that will invest into you and guide you. So why do we have to give that up when you find it and are in that class for a year or a semester?

I know that as a teacher myself I would rather have a group of kids that I can teach and see grow and learn and continue to build things upon. To see them grow in every area of their life not just educationally. That is the joy of teaching. And that is also the problem. So many teachers have lost that joy because that opportunity has been taken away from them because of the continual movement of kids from here to there. They are frustrated and confused because their class is always changing and they are trying to figure out where they are at and what they need. It is not fair for the kids nor the teachers.

Now I also realize that there are flaws in my plan. This means that teachers will have to know a large amount of information on different topics of study as opposed to being trained and skilled in one or two areas of study. It means pleasing the child and the parents as a teacher. What about the problem kids that no teacher wants or that no child wants to be with a teacher? Of course this means we would need more teachers because some teachers would have smaller classes and some would have larger. Why not make schools smaller and more personalized to the students that are there?

I'll be the first to admit that there are issues with this idea, but I can't get past it. I can't understand not doing it. It seems as though now all that is taught to kids are what is going to be on this test that they have to pass in order for them to move to the next grade. Especially in the schools here. Why aren't we just teaching them what they need to know and letting them use it. Why are we so focused on this, because of that we are we are missing out on teaching them other important skills and life tools. It just seems to me that in the end it would be better for both student and teacher.

Just Start Walking

Even in the midst of a crazy life I am extremely excited (for the first time in a while) about the unknown future. I have a few different ideas and thoughts of what I want it to be, but I still have yet to figure out which way I will go. I am really ready for something different that can give me more life experience.

I just wish I knew where to begin, where to look. I know that I will find something it just seems to be off to a slow start. I just feel like I have to start walking and I will eventually get to my destination. Maybe part of it is the excitement of the search and the journey to the destination.

When Life Is Not What You Thought...

you keep fighting, you continue to do everything you can to make things better. But what happens when you keep going to the point where you can't go anymore? I've always been a fighter and I hate giving up on things, but lately it seems as though my life is crumbling all around me. As soon as one thing falls I run to another for support and it falls to the ground even faster. What do you do when you have nothing or no one to lean on?

When do you just say, "Ok, life is not what I wanted or this did not lead me where I thought it would, so now I am going to go in a completely different direction." How do you know when to keep pushing through or to stop and start a new path.

Right now I have three sets of directions but all three of them involve me being completely alone, with no one to be with me or there for me. The last thing I need in my life right now. I feel completely stuck and more confused than I ever have been. I never thought life could be so tough. I thought I went through tough stuff when I was younger and that led me to believe I would 'grow out of it' when I was older. For some reason I thought decisions would get easier.

I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to. I feel as though I have been completely abandoned in the dark. I am beginning to feel as though no matter what I do I will continue to fail. I am looking back at who I used to be wishing I could be that person again, but not knowing how to find my old self.

Like mentioned before, life has altered and I don't think I'm going to like the way it is going to now lead me.

Life Has Altered

Usually massive life alterations come from conscious decisions that we make while some other alterations come to us without our knowledge until it is upon us. I for one would rather have the conscious decision with plenty of time to analyze and contemplate. And yet sometimes life delivers to us things we are not ready for, things we do not desire, things that will change us for life whether we ask for it or not.

That is the point my life has currently come to. It's like a cheesy dramatic movie where the camera is circling me and there are numerous paths to take, but I can't even take a step because I am stuck in the spot I am standing in.

A famous cheesy Christian quote (one of my all time favorites) is live with no regrets. How is that even achieved. Is that even possible? Right now that is all I can feel, regret. Deep, deep sorrow and regret. People keep telling me the same things over and over but that doesnt change the way I feel.

I could sit here and tell you all the things I wish I could change but it would do no good, it would make no difference. I dont even know at this point how my life will be different, I just know it will be. I dont know if that part of me will ever heal.

Never hesitate, never second guess. Just do

Ahh Progress

This weekend we bought more stuff for the wedding. I love buying stuff for the wedding, it just reminds me that it is coming so soon! It is actually coming together even if it is slower than I would like. I wish I could buy everything when I see it. I just can't wait it is so exciting. I am just glad that we are making some progress in planning and getting things done.

It was a nice, relaxing weekend with friends also. It was good to hang out with people, because I feel like I never do anything.

Planning, Trying To At Least

I'm sitting around watching wedding shows on tv like I do just about every other weekend and I am just thinking about all the stuff we want for our wedding. Not that we want a huge extravagant wedding, but I am still worrying about the budget. Just looking online and talking to vendors at shows I can't help but to want certain things but keep stressing over prices.

I know that we have most of it already planned and its in our heads, but little to nothing has been purchased. I really do not want to spend a lot of money on one day but it seems as though everything is ridiculously priced. Some of the big costs have graciously been given to us at no cost. So we are extremely grateful for those. But I can't get over the short amount of time that we have to get everything done and I know it is going to go by so fast.

Like any other bride to be, everything I see I like I want to incorporate somehow. Although I consider myself a plain jane kind of gal, I still want everyone to be there and enjoy everything. I still want everything to be nice and in place.

Hopefully soon we will be able to decide on and purchase some of the bigger things that need to be done now. I so do not want to wait until the last minute to be trying to get all the important things in place.

Stress, stress, stress. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Maybe a large sum of money will magically appear in my account.