Future Stories

The Year of Change Continued

2010-04-11T23:49:00.004-04:00

Wow, I didnt know how true that post title would become. There are alot of different things going on in life and I dont know how to process them all, or if I want to process them all.

A new job which is going well and I feel as though it will open up new opportunities for me in the future. I'm getting ready to start back at some classes that will help with work so I am excited about that.

A new car! Yay, I got a new car. I am so happy, there were so many things wrong with my old one and then I found out the motor was going out and needed a new one so I am glad to now have something different. And this one will stay clean!

New feelings..this one has been a difficult one to figure out. I feel as though it will be a long journey. I feel as though I have been living someone else's life and not my own. I feel as though I am beginning all over again, trying to find my way through this maze. Some ways are dead ends and some continue down a path that seems to never end. I'm not quite sure where I am or where I am going but either way I want to travel and get there as me.

I'm just not happy with myself and where I am. This has always been a struggle even when I was young, trying to find what makes me happy or content even. Everyone says that you are the only one that knows what will make you happy and you have to do it yourself, but I still dont know what that is. For the first time in my life I have a plan. I know what I want to do. I have goals to move towards and accomplish.

So I am trying to do my best, I'm trying to experience this new journey with excitement and passion.

The Year of Change

2010-02-19T20:39:00.002-05:00

I am excited and a little nervous about tomorrow. I know that emotions will be stirring as I for the first time, put actions into thoughts and beliefs. I know that this is something I must do in order to help me through the process and I feel like it is the last step.

Next month will be a year and at this time last year I never thought I would be able to live with such an experience, but for some reason God has been faithful to me, even when I was not to him. Last year my entire world fell apart and I am now a different person because of it. I completely gave up on everything and felt as though I was becoming cold and emotionless, despite all the emotions that were stirring within me.

The last year has been the hardest time I have ever experienced. There were so many thoughts of what kind of person I was and how things in life can happen and how I was going to just keep living. Many days I did not want to wake up and live with my reality. I layed in bed crying and trying to talk myself out of getting up and going through my day. I looked critically at myself and found things I never knew existed. I searched deep within myself and found the true me.

Today I feel as though a new season and a new life is breaking through and I am excited to see where this journey leads me. For the longest time I could not get my mind off the present or past. It haunted me every day and truely took something away from me. But at that time all I knew was that it did take something away from me, now I know it also gave me something. It gave me a new perspective and passion. It even gave me hope, a hope that I will never let go of.

Stepping Into New Goals

2010-01-21T23:22:00.004-05:00

Lately I have really been trying to set goals and work my way towards them. In the past it has not so much been something that I have ever pushed myself to do. So, yay for new beginnings, but right now I am not sure where to begin exactly.

Personally, I am leaning towards two that I feel are very important to me right now. The first would be to really step up the self teaching and further educating myslef on child development and teaching approaches, pretty much anything dealing with the field of education. The second goal would be to find a place to begin volunteering at a few days a week. Somewhere that I feel my strengths can be used and where I can be appreciated for my ideas. Somewhere I can make a positive difference. This I would like to do while I am still looking for a full time job that I can really enjoy and hopefully still continue after that also.

Another goal I would have to put on the list would be to make more of an effort to go out and meet people or spend more time with friends. I have realized that this is something that I lack adequate time doing.

So hopefully these few goals will not only be something that I start, but something that will carry me through the years and lead to many happy, enjoyable days. I also hope that I am able to see some personal growth once my journey begins. I am really excited and looking forward to planning the next few days and starting to look into organizations that I can volunteer at.

Are Rewards Effective ?

2010-01-17T21:54:00.006-05:00

A few months ago I was reading a book by Alfie Kohn that was about education. One of the more major topics of this book focused on the fact that many teachers have classes set up where if the children behave they receive rewards. He shared his view of how in the end rewards actually demotivate children and they have less of a desire to learn or cooperate with expectations. He referenced studies that had been done and how rewards effects children's behavior. Then there is also the comparison to bribing children to do the action you desire them to perform. He discusses the fact that children should learn how to behave without the use of reward systems.

Then a few nights ago I was watching Supernanny and I realized that everything she does is the exact opposite. Every episode she comes up with some kind of game or way of rewarding the children when they obey or do some desired act such as cleaning up, not fighting, or whatever. The only difference i can think of is that when they do disobey one of the rewards is taken away, keeping them from getting to their end goal. Discipline is also something reinforced strongly.

I am not completely sure which way is more successful. I guess it depends on the child. I am a strong believer in not every concept or idea will work with every child. Every child is different and is effected by different things in different ways. Why use a system that does not work for a certain child? You have to find what works with that child.

While looking into the topic a little more I found an article on children's motivation and emotion which backed Kohn's perception. It said, "rewards may induce a temporary negative mood state in young children that can undermine intrinsic motivation."

Anyways, random thoughts. If anyone has any thoughts or opinions let me know what you think!

A Tad Bit of Resentment

2009-11-14T14:27:00.002-05:00

I am currently reading a book on education and it is discussing the difference in teaching our kids for the ability to pass tests by rote memorization and teaching our kids to think critically and through exploration. It has really made me think back to when I was in school and what all my teachers did or didn't do and I quickly found myself angry at the way I was educated.

I was taught to memorize and everything was drilled into my head. This makes me angry because now I am finding myself trying to be creative and to look at things at a deeper level and I am really struggling. I know that I can, it's just a harder process than I thought it would be. I know some people are more creative and can think of things off the top of their head more than others but I also believe that if you work and study hard enough you will be able to understand at some level.

Even in my first year of college I was required to take a class that taught you how to 'store information in your brain and retrieve it when needed,' how to study for tests, and how to scan reading. I have tried to scan read and it does nothing for me, its like I read nothing at all. I have to read everything and think about it in order to comprehend anything.

It is just at this time very frustrating because I just want it to all fall together in order and its not happening. I'm also aware I am not knowledgable enough in certain areas to even attempt such a task. So for now I guess I will put my immediate desires aside and start researching and studying more. I thought I had done that enough but today I have proven myself wrong.

It's time to reconfigure my plan. Where to begin first and then where that will lead me to? I'm not good at brainstorming, another concept I was never really introduced to. But I will someday accomplish this goal.

Ode to Planet Earth

2009-11-08T01:06:00.004-05:00

I feel as though I have no place, I have no significance. I am doing nothing. It is driving me crazy. Even as I am looking for jobs I just feel all the more unqualified, unknowledgable, and depressed. I just want to live, thats all, nothing amazing. Simply existing is just not working out for me, I need something more.

It just makes me feel like I will never accomplish anything that I have set out to do, or want to set out to do. Time is just passing by and I am still sitting here still doing nothing. It's so aggrivating. Now I know why so much crap is going on like people killing themselves after they lose their jobs, or going on a shooting spree. I'm not saying I agree I'm just saying I understand how they feel and it sucks.

Oh planet earth please bring us all back to sanity and provide us with all the things we desire and the ability to not screw everything up again. My sister in law plays a game with her daughter, if it rained...and they fill in the blank. If it only rained amazing job offers...if it only rained new cars....if it only rained money....if it only rained.

Oh planet earth why does bad have to exist? Everyone would be much happier without it. I also believe we would all be smarter too. That's just my theory.

Oh planet earth how i enjoy your documentary series and board game. I have recently partaken hours of watching, you are very interesting. If only I had as many layers of goodness.

Yes, I Have Beef

2009-10-20T09:20:00.004-04:00

Alright listen up all you so called parents. I have no idea why you can't comprehend simple concepts but its time to begin so the world doesn't simply collapse because of your stupidity. Obviously no one has informed you of normal parental behavior and how to achieve such a goal but I will gladly help you along.

First, it is time to stop babying your kids. I don't care if their 2 or 10. There is no reason to talk to your child like a plastic baby doll or new puppy. They are, believe it or not, human just like some of you. They have the same feelings and concerns but just not the same ability to express them. And realize if you do talk to your kids this way you are actually stalling their emotional, social, and cognitive development along with making yourself look like an idiot. Another normal behavior is to actually have your children sleep in their own bed, not with a or both parents, especially when they are older. It's a pretty simple concept to grasp: if you treat your child like a baby they will act like a baby, even if they are 12. And we can all know that no one wants that.

What most parents fail to realize or not care about is that when you have a kid you are now responsible to raise and teach that child. To prepare them for life not just a day or event. Teachers have to have training and an understanding of teaching so why don't parents? Why are the parents allowed to just be stupid or not care about their child's future.

Seriously people is it that difficult to read some articles, suscribe to some magazines or study online about child development, i dont know maybe during the nine months your pregnant? Oh no but no one wants to "need" help. Everyone wants to do it on their own and they seem to know exactly how to raise a child. I'm sure that has nothing to do with how our kids act today.

Another area that needs to be adressed is discipline. Now I'm not going to be the one to tell you how to discipline your child but I will say that it needs to be done in some way or another. There are many options to choose from so just pick something and if it doesn't seem to work after a few weeks then try something else. But if you do absolutely nothing to discipline your child and you ignore their behavior then someone needs to slap you. Stop being lazy and do something!

Stupidity drives me crazy, especially when it involves parents and their kids. I know raising a child is by no means easy but does require some amount of common sense. So if your a complete idiot, save us all and do not reproduce.

Just A Thought

2009-09-10T15:32:00.004-04:00

I have been doing a large amount of reading lately (at least for me) on how children learn and education and I am slowly realizing something. All these studies have been done, all these theories, and philosophys of learning have been presented for years and it seems to me that schools and educators know it but do little to put it into use. Not that I have marched into and observed mulitple schools or classrooms, but just hearing from students and teachers I know it doesn't seem to be used today.

For example, my niece started school this year and yeah ok its kindergarten but still the same concept applys. Before classes started she had to go in and take a test to see what all she knows and where she is developmentally. But it didnt seem to have an effect on what class she was put into. Everyone in her class is so different as far as how they scored and what they know. What is the point of even giving such a test unless you are going to look at the results and say, "Oh well this group of children seem to be on the same level or at least close so let's put them into one classroom with this teacher so they are not being taught what they already know but can move on to the next level."

Now let's take it a step further. Let's say that the same test aslo tells you what their learning style is or do more tests to understand what kind of teaching will benefit the child. Then you could break the classes up into learning styles. That way teachers are not trying to teach 5 or 6 different learning styles while at the same time keeping everyone's attention in the class. This way you can teach all of your children say using 2 or 3 different learning styles and they all can keep the childrens attention.

I mean why are we randomly picking names from a sheet of paper and saying okay, Billy will be in this classroom with this teacher and Joe will go here with this teacher. It seems as though all the work to teach them and help them learn starts after they are in the classroom as opposed to before. It just doesn't make sense to me. Then teachers are stressed because these kids are behind and they have to get them 'caught up' with the rest of the class or 'where they are supposed to be.'

Is there a school out there that does this? Is this common and I am just not aware of it or are my thoughts just crazy and off the deep end?

The Words Not Spoken

2009-08-27T21:48:00.002-04:00

How long will you rage inside me? Spinning in my head and turning my stomach inside out. All you do is long to be released and spoken, but you have yet to see your freedom. Day after day you remain only thoughts seeking to become more, but i cannot let you out of my mouth.

These words not spoken are eating me away from the inside out. They are all i think about. At the same time so many words are spoken in, some out of love and some not. Some not even with knowledge of what they are saying or who they are saying it to, and they all collide.

Even to the one i should be able to free everything, only my thoughts are displayed. Why is this so? Maybe it's the fear that if they are finally released instead of being freed myself, the opposite will be the only thing to emerge. Is there a simple remedy?

From the beginning it has affected my perspective on life. It's hard to see everything in a different light all at the same time. It's hard to become a completely different person not because of choice but because of life experiences and then recognize and handle it at once. It's like im now living someone elses life and still wanting to fit mine into theirs. It doesn't exactly work. In fact it doesn't at all. I am rediscovering myself and having to deal with things i am discovering for the first time.

My emotions and feelings change so much from day to day. Yeah i know thats a normal female habit, but it is draining. It is odd not caring about the things i used to care about and now finding new and different things i have a deep passion for. I know people change but i feel as though i am going through a massive transformation and i dont what the outcome will be.

Observations On Being Home

2009-05-11T12:12:00.005-04:00

Well it has definitely been an interesting trip home. I was extremely excited to see and finally try on my dress! I am so excited. Then after all the excitement of the day I was tired and decided to go to bed early. That was when I decided to have an allergic reaction to..well, something. So I freaked out and went to the er which is always so much fun. It was definitely something in the house because I felt so much better after leaving. Anyways, that was taken care of and fortunately didn't occur again.

Sunday proved to be another interesting day. I was expecting it to be so, but not to the extent that it was. To be blunt and honest I never look forward to going to church with my parents while at home and usually try to get out of it by going somewhere else. I don't like their church or agree with some of the things they do there. One eye opening experience on this trip is that I have realized how different I am from the rest of my family. I mean yeah there is a huge generation gap, but I was reminded how old people don't like to change and how they lack understanding of younger generations and how they are changing things.

Church was at least somewhat bareable this time. Although I sware the choir is following in the footsteps of Southeastern Singers because they all had a colored shirt and black pants and jackets on. They even sung the same songs we always sang at school. It was like a bad flashback to Southeastern chapel, well during worship at least. The no children under 2 in the sanctuary still bothers the tar out of me. I know why they do it, but it drives me crazy when churches do not consider the thoughts or feelings of first time visitors. If I have a small child and I am at a church for the first time I am not going to just drop them off in a nursery and most people wont. To most visitors that is just a sign that tells them they don't want to mess with children or a plug for their 'wonderful children's ministry.' Of which honestly, a first time visitor doesn't care about.

Even the pastor had crued and what he thought were funny jokes about the president. It totally turned me off. Of course everyone is going to have their own opinion and thats fine, but in a church service is not the place to voice it. I despise services that have nothing but a political agenda.

At home the conservation got even more interesting. For some reason even when I do not go to church with my parents when I am home they still have to discuss every detail over and after lunch. So of course everyone is just talking about how wonderful the service was and how much they love the church. Then they started discussing the children's ministry and how much they have done with the kids and how great it is. "They have an amazing two story playground for the kids to play on inside!" Oh how wonderful it is it is just so good. I fought to keep my mouth shut. It angered me so bad. Why does everyone think all we need for kids at church is a good playground? We don't teach our kids about the Bible but we still wonder why 'our kids are so disobedient and disrespectful these days.'

Then they continued on talking about some church that is building a gym on campus and how much money it will bring in and how good it is to encourage their leaders and church to be in shape and healthy. And oh its just going to be the next big thing that every church is going to do and have. Really? Do Christians not realize that most communities and society already has this? Why are we wasting our money on building big fancy gyms on church property when there are 2 across the street from your church? Why don't Christians use what is already in the community and appreciate it? Beacuse of our Christian pride that says oh yes they have one but we can make it better because we are Christians. Nothing pisses me off more. All we do is waste money and property and anything else we are given when we have decent places to go we just won't because they don't have Christ's name plastered everywhere. No wonder non Christians hate us.
I'm beginning to do the same. To make it even worse we do it with everything. Have you been to a church in the last 5 years that doesn't have a coffee shop or cafe? Probably not. What about a highly themed youth and children's area that looks something like chuckie cheese or monkey joes?

And a part of all of this that was also brought up by my own family is this whole, "it's not from America so we aren't buying it." Have you never noticed before that most of the fruit and other foods in most chain grocery stores are not from America, are you just now catching onto this? Now I don't think that everything should be sent to be done overseas, obvioulsy we need jobs here too, but I'm not going to go to such an extreme as they are. It's a little crazy to me. Just another difference between generations. They think on an American mindset and I think on a more global mindset. It's not all about America, there are other continents out there that are trying to survive too.

I am shocked at the extent of hate and horrible things that I have heard "conservative" Christians say about our president since I have been home. I don't know if it is just this area or if I am just not observing it at home but either way I am shocked and disgusted. I mean to hear on the radio a joke about how they wished the president would "have heart failure and drop to his knees and be cold before his head hit the floor." Wow! Seriously? I am horribly disgusted and ashamed that anyone would say this as a joke, much less people who claim to be Christians. And these are the same Christians that don't understand why their children are so violent. Really?

What is our problem, what is our issue? Why are we speaking and acting like this? I feel like everyone has gone crazy thinking the world is going to end and the economy is going to fail. Personally I don't think its that bad. You have depressions you have times of growth. I hope that we will eventually come out of it and things will get better, but at the same time I think it is time for people to become a little smarter about how and what they spend their money on. And ok what if it doesn't? What if America absolutely fails and crumbles what then? Why does everyone thing that America has to be the answer?

Dreaming Of The Way It Could Be

2009-04-19T17:01:00.009-04:00

As I was in the bookstore looking for some preschool teacher materials for some new, different ideas for the classroom I realized something. There are none. Everybook I looked at today said the same thing, had the same ideas, crafts, and games. Really, seriously? We haven't came up with anything new yet? It is extremely frustrating to try to come up with new things when you are stuck in the same pattern everyday.

So this then of course got me thinking about the whole concept of school and education and how it is done today. We all know that schools on the most part are screwed up and kids are not learning or at least not at the level they should be. There are many reasons why I think this is so but the one thing that bothers me the most happens to be the most obvious concept to me.

Keep in mind I am mostly speaking of preschool education but it could even be done in school aged kids after working out the difficult details. Today I will just be discussing the early years setting. Mostly you base classrooms on ages. You have a one year old class a three year old class etc. Which obviously sounds good because for the most part children the same age learn the same information and are on very similar levels. But as much as it is not going to be admitted by staff, you have kids in every class that the teacher does not know how to work with or handle, are on a different level or maybe works better with another teacher. Yet they are kept in that class because of their age or some other minute reason instead of being put where they can learn and develop better.

Then on the other end, you have a child or children that are learning and developing at a great rate and have developed a great bond with their teacher and what seems like as soon as they are growing and doing good it is time for them to move to a new class with a new teacher in a completely different environment with a completely different teaching style. Also, this new teacher has to take the time to learn and understand that new child and their learning style in order for them to be able to just keep up the momentum the teacher before had going. Not to mention many other issues that could arise at this time. The previous teacher already knows what that child knows and what they need to work on, what is next. The new teacher has to figure all this out when they first enter their class. Are they where they should be emotionally, cognitively to be in this class? Do we not see how this is affecting the childs development and desire to learn?

And let's face it, let's be honest here. Some teachers that are above or below you in the line of where the kids go next may not care as much, or may not teach as much. I see it all the time and I'm sure other teachers do too. You spend all your time and energy in getting this kid to this certain level and then they move to the next class and the teacher has the least care in the world about that certain thing you worked so hard on and they give in or do nothing and the child falls right back to the level they were at when you first had them in your class. Is there anything else that could piss you off more?

I don't understand why we don't take a more personal look and discover what kid works best with what teacher and keep them there? Why throw them around from class to class when you know that they work well with this certain person? Isn't that what we all want anyway? Parents want the best teachers for their kids, college students want the best professors to mentor them and help them even in non academic areas of their life. We all want that person that will invest into you and guide you. So why do we have to give that up when you find it and are in that class for a year or a semester?

I know that as a teacher myself I would rather have a group of kids that I can teach and see grow and learn and continue to build things upon. To see them grow in every area of their life not just educationally. That is the joy of teaching. And that is also the problem. So many teachers have lost that joy because that opportunity has been taken away from them because of the continual movement of kids from here to there. They are frustrated and confused because their class is always changing and they are trying to figure out where they are at and what they need. It is not fair for the kids nor the teachers.

Now I also realize that there are flaws in my plan. This means that teachers will have to know a large amount of information on different topics of study as opposed to being trained and skilled in one or two areas of study. It means pleasing the child and the parents as a teacher. What about the problem kids that no teacher wants or that no child wants to be with a teacher? Of course this means we would need more teachers because some teachers would have smaller classes and some would have larger. Why not make schools smaller and more personalized to the students that are there?

I'll be the first to admit that there are issues with this idea, but I can't get past it. I can't understand not doing it. It seems as though now all that is taught to kids are what is going to be on this test that they have to pass in order for them to move to the next grade. Especially in the schools here. Why aren't we just teaching them what they need to know and letting them use it. Why are we so focused on this, because of that we are we are missing out on teaching them other important skills and life tools. It just seems to me that in the end it would be better for both student and teacher.

Just Start Walking

2009-04-16T22:27:00.004-04:00

Even in the midst of a crazy life I am extremely excited (for the first time in a while) about the unknown future. I have a few different ideas and thoughts of what I want it to be, but I still have yet to figure out which way I will go. I am really ready for something different that can give me more life experience.

I just wish I knew where to begin, where to look. I know that I will find something it just seems to be off to a slow start. I just feel like I have to start walking and I will eventually get to my destination. Maybe part of it is the excitement of the search and the journey to the destination.

When Life Is Not What You Thought...

2009-03-28T13:12:00.003-04:00

you keep fighting, you continue to do everything you can to make things better. But what happens when you keep going to the point where you can't go anymore? I've always been a fighter and I hate giving up on things, but lately it seems as though my life is crumbling all around me. As soon as one thing falls I run to another for support and it falls to the ground even faster. What do you do when you have nothing or no one to lean on?

When do you just say, "Ok, life is not what I wanted or this did not lead me where I thought it would, so now I am going to go in a completely different direction." How do you know when to keep pushing through or to stop and start a new path.

Right now I have three sets of directions but all three of them involve me being completely alone, with no one to be with me or there for me. The last thing I need in my life right now. I feel completely stuck and more confused than I ever have been. I never thought life could be so tough. I thought I went through tough stuff when I was younger and that led me to believe I would 'grow out of it' when I was older. For some reason I thought decisions would get easier.

I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to. I feel as though I have been completely abandoned in the dark. I am beginning to feel as though no matter what I do I will continue to fail. I am looking back at who I used to be wishing I could be that person again, but not knowing how to find my old self.

Like mentioned before, life has altered and I don't think I'm going to like the way it is going to now lead me.

Life Has Altered

2009-03-16T23:27:00.003-04:00

Usually massive life alterations come from conscious decisions that we make while some other alterations come to us without our knowledge until it is upon us. I for one would rather have the conscious decision with plenty of time to analyze and contemplate. And yet sometimes life delivers to us things we are not ready for, things we do not desire, things that will change us for life whether we ask for it or not.

That is the point my life has currently come to. It's like a cheesy dramatic movie where the camera is circling me and there are numerous paths to take, but I can't even take a step because I am stuck in the spot I am standing in.

A famous cheesy Christian quote (one of my all time favorites) is live with no regrets. How is that even achieved. Is that even possible? Right now that is all I can feel, regret. Deep, deep sorrow and regret. People keep telling me the same things over and over but that doesnt change the way I feel.

I could sit here and tell you all the things I wish I could change but it would do no good, it would make no difference. I dont even know at this point how my life will be different, I just know it will be. I dont know if that part of me will ever heal.

Never hesitate, never second guess. Just do

Ahh Progress

2009-03-08T21:57:00.003-04:00

This weekend we bought more stuff for the wedding. I love buying stuff for the wedding, it just reminds me that it is coming so soon! It is actually coming together even if it is slower than I would like. I wish I could buy everything when I see it. I just can't wait it is so exciting. I am just glad that we are making some progress in planning and getting things done.

It was a nice, relaxing weekend with friends also. It was good to hang out with people, because I feel like I never do anything.

Planning, Trying To At Least

2009-02-15T15:00:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting around watching wedding shows on tv like I do just about every other weekend and I am just thinking about all the stuff we want for our wedding. Not that we want a huge extravagant wedding, but I am still worrying about the budget. Just looking online and talking to vendors at shows I can't help but to want certain things but keep stressing over prices.

I know that we have most of it already planned and its in our heads, but little to nothing has been purchased. I really do not want to spend a lot of money on one day but it seems as though everything is ridiculously priced. Some of the big costs have graciously been given to us at no cost. So we are extremely grateful for those. But I can't get over the short amount of time that we have to get everything done and I know it is going to go by so fast.

Like any other bride to be, everything I see I like I want to incorporate somehow. Although I consider myself a plain jane kind of gal, I still want everyone to be there and enjoy everything. I still want everything to be nice and in place.

Hopefully soon we will be able to decide on and purchase some of the bigger things that need to be done now. I so do not want to wait until the last minute to be trying to get all the important things in place.

Stress, stress, stress. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Maybe a large sum of money will magically appear in my account.

As Human As Can Be

2009-01-26T20:51:00.004-05:00

I'm trying so hard,so hard just to live life and get on with it. Trying so hard to do things myself, to make things happen. And their not happening. I realize now that i am trying my hardest to live life in the most complete way, but instead it feels as though I am living the most incomplete life at this time.

But why? Why am I making things more difficult than they have to be? Well the first answer would be that that is usually what I do and unfortunately I am good at it. The second answer is that I am stubborn and have put everything in front of You. I have consumed my life with the thought and actions of trying to live it that it has taken Your 'spot' Your 'role.'

And so I find myself here again, a place I hate to be but despite the degree to which I hate it, I seem to find myself there often. It's like I am trapped in another universe all by myself.

Why do I do this to myself? I try so hard to make things happen when You already have them sitting in Your hands but I have yet to ask You. You desire none the less than to give them to me but I pass up the offer daily because I think for some reason that I can find it myself. Wow how human am I.

Help me to not only no longer look past You and try to succeed on my own, but to desire to come to You for everything I need, and to come first. Help me overcome this selfish pride and boast only in the One who is deserving.

Holiday Pics

2009-01-25T20:53:00.007-05:00

Ok so I am finally getting around to uploading Christmas and New Years pictures on the computer, so since I promised pics forever ago here they are.

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One Day

2009-01-15T19:17:00.003-05:00

It seems like everything today has hit me in the face with the realization that I have not done anything I have wanted or reached for in life, ok maybe not life but here recently. Not that they are major things, just things that I would like or things that I desire to do one day. One Day, that's the problem, when will that one day actually happen?

It makes me feel as though I am under qualified, overlooked, and unappreciated. I know I'm not the one to make myself stand out the most, but its still frustrating when it feels like I'm being overlooked or not even in the running to be considered. It just seems like I will never "move up" to the next level.

At the same time, as much as I want these opportunities the thought of having them terrifies me. The chance of screwing it up or losing it continually arises when I think of it. Ughh...it's so confusing.

A Farewell and A Look Forward

2009-01-01T12:50:00.003-05:00

Now that 2008 and has come to an end I have decided to look back at some of the personal things that happened this year and also to the things I am looking forward to in this new year.

2008

Reconnected with some family members
Realized that some of my family is actually normal
Actually found a job in 2008
Bought a wedding dress!!!
Gained a second family

Resolutions

To read more
To save money
To give to a community need monthly
Begin writing curriculum, even if it is very little and a slow process
Have the wedding planned before the last minute
Do a better job of keeping in touch with friends and family

I am looking forward to what 2009 may bring and what all may be accomplished from the above list. It will be an exciting year!

Adventures at Home

2008-12-23T19:45:00.003-05:00

Today Ken and I went to the Adventure Science Museum with my brother, sister in law, and two nieces. We all had a blast. I remember my parents taking me and Matthew to the same museum whenever we would visit Grandma and Grandpa in Nashville. They had a new space exhibit that was really neat, that was my favorite.

It has been so good to spend time with my nieces. I hate that I never get to see them. I took some pictures that I will have to put up later because I forgot to bring the hookup to load them on the computer.

Yesterday did not work out as well as today. Me and Ken tried to go downtown to a state museum and after finding and paying for parking and walking a couple of blocks in the freezing weather we got inside and found that the museum is closed on Mondays. So we decided to finish our Christmas shopping instead.

The Holidays are Here

2008-12-08T21:00:00.003-05:00

I'm so excited!! I can't wait to go home and see my family. I miss them all so much. Hopefully I will get to see some old friends too. I love the holidays. Even though I know going home for a whole week (and I know that will be way too long) it shall be fun.

This weekend I finally began my Christmas shopping... and its going pretty slow. And as I was on my first shopping endeavor I realized that I have no winter clothes to even wear when I go back home. For some reason once I actually moved here I thought I would never again need them. Of course I don't really here, but I don't know why I never thought I would go home in the winter.

So I guess I will have to scrounge up whatever I can find to wear up north. I have also realized that I want to buy EVERYTHING this year. I am looking forward to next year when me and Ken will be married and throwing parties and wanting all the decorations and "holiday home essentials" now.

We also went to see a winter lights display in Valrico. It was pretty crazy and fun even though it was extremely cold outside. So for that reason we did not stay for very long, but it was fun.

Ahh..Refreshing

2008-11-29T22:05:00.003-05:00

This weekend my mother came to town and we went to spend Thanksgiving with Kenny's parents. It has been so fun and amazing to see my mom again. We had a good time and went shopping for a wedding dress. I didn't find one but I found one that can definitely be a backup just in case.

I can't wait until Christmas to go home and see all of my family. I hate that we are so spread out from each other. I did a lot of shopping this weekend but still have not began Christmas shopping!

Anyways, it has been so refreshing to have such a long weekend with family and friends. I am so not looking forward to going back to work this week.

When Is It Time?

2008-11-16T23:13:00.002-05:00

Something I have been struggling with lately and it is something I seem to find myself struggling with occasionally is the question of when, or to put it another way, of timing events. And I find myself here yet again, it seems as though not much has changed except for the what.

Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time for everything, but many of us including myself get stuck into the question of when is it time? When is it time to be patient as opposed to jumping? When is it time to dream as opposed to think practically? When is it time to follow after those dreams that seem so far away and when is it time to wait? When is it time to hold on and when is it time to let go?

We know all of these things occur in life but when the situation is upon us it is sometimes difficult to hear exactly what God is saying. Why is that? Maybe our own desires are stronger than what we know we should do. Maybe when we want to be practical is when we should really step in faith, which is most of the time not the most practical choice to the human mind. Obviously the choice answer would to always step out in faith but we seem to make things harder than they have to be, or at least I know I am good at that.

Just because someone doesn't know when to make the next move or not make the next move does that necessarily mean that they are not "in tune" with God? Does anyone really know for sure when they are supposed to do certain things in live? I mean its not like God randomly decides to drop an already planned out calendar on our desks and says here you go you are good for the next five years! (Although that would be nice)

Comment, Feedback, Advice, Plan my future...any or all would be good.

Morning Thoughts

2008-11-07T18:24:00.007-05:00

I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to work and they were discussing how peoples myspaces and facebooks can affect other peoples outlook on them as a person. Mostly they were saying that it is a big thing for colleges and employers to look at applicants to see if they are good applicants or if they are party people and have evidence of it posted all over their pages.

Of course they gave a chance for people to call in and give their opinion and tell their stories. It was rather interesting to hear some of the stories, but one caught me off guard and really got me thinking.

A youth minister called in and said that he had kids in his youth group that requsted him to be their friend but, as he said, he had to deny them because of some of the pictures and things they posted on their pages. And he continues to tell how it upsets the ones he doesn't accept as friends and he tells them they have to change their page then he will add them.

Now is it me or is that a little backwards? I know some churches and pastors are all crazy about keeping their staff in check and all that but aren't you trying to reach out to these kids? I just can't get over that we can't get this idea that we as Christians expect people to change before they have a reason or desire to change. Us standing at a distance and screaming to them that they have to change before we even accept them tells them that God will be even further away before He accepts them.

I don't know I guess its one of those sticky or gray situations. I in some way can understand why a youth pastor would be required to 'keep their profile or page clean' but are we still stuck on this? (I guess sadly in some situations we have to be with all the stories of pastors having affairs with kids). This is one of those issues I thought the church would have moved past by now.

Sometimes I feel like they are expected to have perfect kids in their youth group so they can look good and be perfect little examples, but what is wrong with having a few messed up kids? Isn't that kind of the point? Do we want lives to be changed or do we want everything to already be cookie cutter? Sadly I think that the mindset of the latter reigns supreme in our churches.

Now I know that there are a number of churches that are completely the opposite and are extremely unique and do not fit this mold. I just think this is a good example of the type of mindsets that we find ourselves stuck in from time to time and have to continually check ourselves and get out of them.

Release Session

2008-11-06T22:21:00.002-05:00

Work has got me so stressed and upset lately. I just feel like I am being taken advantage of because I basically am. I know I am the kind of person that allows it to happen and I make it easy for people because I have a hard time saying no, but I feel like I have been pushed to the edge.

I so badly need something different, to be in a different environment altogether. I keep getting told to let it go and forget about it but that is another thing I have a hard time doing. If something is bothering me then it will continue to bother me until the problem is fixed. But what is adding to this problem is the fact that no one seems to realize or believe that there is any problems that I deal with when there are major problems, they just refuse to see or take any responsibility for them.

I just feel like everything (and everyone) is being thrown to me. "No one else will do it so give it to the one that will. No one wants this kid in their class so give them to Maggie." Yes well that's just lovely thanks.

The thing that gets me is that it is everyday. Everyday I walk into some new 'situation' or chaotic unorganized mess. I could handle it if it was every once in a while, but no, every day? Come on. I work overtime every day because there is no one else there to close and they haven't figured this out in 2 months? And they are wondering why my paycheck is more than everyone else's? Are you serious?

I have been asked all week if I could stay late (I don't know why I was asked this week when I do every other week so what's different?) and was told that I could leave early the next day and it has yet to happen.

I feel like a workaholic and it's not even a job I like or get payed any significant amount for. To make it worse I feel like I am the only one there getting used the way that I am.

To top it all off any time I try to mention anything about it to either of my bosses I feel as though it is blown off and they don't think anything of it. They don't give me the time of day, it's like they don't care. I know they are busy too and all, but you need to be able to have a conversation with your employees when it is needed. Especially when that conversation is not just to complain, but to try and find ways to resolve major issues and problems. But for some reason they don't see it that way. I don't know what I am going to have to do in order to get their attention. There are so many things that I have told or asked from them on a regular basis, continually reminding them since I have worked there and they are things that yet to be improved upon. It's not even a preference but safety issues!

And on top of all this I am missing my family horribly bad and it doesn't help that every time I call they try to talk me into moving back home.

Is it time to hide under the covers and not ever get up yet?

Weekend Update

2008-10-28T23:28:00.004-04:00

So this week has been pretty crazy. My weekend was jammed packed with training for work, birthday parties, and little sleep. The whole waking up early on a Saturday still doesn't work for me and probably never will. Especially for an all day training class. I did somewhat enjoy it though, especially my first class I was in. The speaker was a crazy old lady, but she was fun and entertaining. The rest was pretty pointless, but at least I got a good resource book out of it. That almost made up for the rest of it.

On top of it all first thing Monday morning I walk into work and am told that "my child" is in the hospital. Little do they know but I was about to walk out and be on my way up there. I was so upset that I had to work all day and wait until that night to see him. He has extremely bad asthma and after his birthday party on Saturday had a high fever. They had to put him on oxygen and during the night he continually stopped breathing.

Of course the day seemed like it lasted forever but I eventually got up to the hospital to see him. I gave him his birthday present and hung out for a while. Then I went to see one of my coworkers who had just had her baby the night before.

Then today at work the normal craziness occurred and I was already stressed, but to top it all off my boss came around telling everyone that we have an "emergency meeting" tomorrow after work. No one has any clue what it is about. All I know is that they have not been making much money for a while and we have not gotten any new kids in either. Hopefully we won't all lose our jobs because that would obviously suck. Now I am totally not looking forward to tomorrow to wait all day to find out what is going on.

Whatever it is it is serious I know that much. Despite the obvious "emergency" part, I know my boss and since I have been working there anytime she mentions having a meeting it usually takes 3 months for her to actually have that meeting. So something is definitely up since they are wasting no time.

Well, I guess I will find out tomorrow after work! Wish me luck!

The American Fix

2008-10-12T20:39:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Ken and I were driving around the Tampa area talking about our future plans and goals. He took me to this small community that was a little ran down but still had a certain charm to it. It wasn't that bad at all, much worse out there at least. He mentioned how it sort of made him feel like we were in another country. This led to a conversation about suitcase city and how it is beginning to be revitalized. It made me start thinking about how Americans think completely different than other people across the globe.

Most of us (hopefully) have realized by now that when on international missions trips we cannot just jump in and do things "the American way" when overseas. We have also all heard the stories of people coming back and saying "Oh the people over there are so happy with the little they do have."

But what about America? Have we realized this for ourselves yet? And how do we help those that need it without completely screwing them over and turning them into these traditional materialistic Americans. Many groups out there try to do simple things like help clean up people's yards, homes and that is nice and all but what about when it is done to the point where it raises their rent or property tax? What do these people who were already struggling to pay rent do then? How do we reach these people and give them hope and show them love while helping them in realistic ways? How do we show them the "overseas missions realization" that we don't have to have everything perfect in order to be satisfied?

Why is bigger always better in America? Why does every community have to have all the latest and greatest that costs millions? Not that I am against anything new or anything, but we have taken it to an extreme. Why do we have all these fake old timey, small town communities that spend millions of dollars to produce? Why not keep the real ones, the ones like this we were in the other day and fix a few minor things and keep the charm that it already has as opposed to tearing them down to build fancy, ritzy condos or multimillion dollar houses?

It makes me sad that it seems as though no one can be satisfied with what I call normal. Everyone always wants the newest, the best, the hard to get things. Why? All to look good and feel important? Get over yourselves, you disgust me. Of course we all want nice things, I am not saying that I want to live in a community that has gang busts every night and drug deals all around me or anything like that. Of course everyone wants to feel safe, but tearing down the old to make new does not make it any safer of an area. It doesn't solve all the problems. Why don't we try to go in and get to know the people in the community and help them get rid of the crime, the violence, the drugs, or whatever is harming their area? But instead we sit around and do nothing, we look over these small areas of town all across America and say, "Oh they just need to rip everything out and start all over, that would be nice. "

No what would be nice would be people that stand up and say, "I see the needs of this community and I am willing to do something about it. I don't want it to be destroyed by machines or by people, but to be put back to its original charm and glory.

Noooo!!!

2008-09-27T23:51:00.002-04:00

So on Friday as I walk into work the first thing I am told is that I am loosing all of my kids. Now, mind you, these are my kids. I didn't even want the ones that are about to turn 2 move up, much less the ones I'm supposed to still have. So I was not happy, not the way I wanted to start off my day.

I guess I can understand because they have to in order to get more kids in the school of which we desperately need or I may not be working much longer. But I'm still not happy that they have to move my kids :(

So I guess I will find out on Monday who I will get to replace everyone. I don't really know when everyone is moving into their new class, but maybe I will have a few more days with them, especially my Aidan. :( Maybe his mother will share custody of him with me lol.

So needless to say new kids means loads of fun (not really) on getting them adjusted to something new and getting to know new parents. So I can already see the days of endless crying, screaming, and who knows what else to expect from new kids. I'm sure they will be cool and I will like them eventually, but I will greatly miss my kids I have now.

So farewell my friends, I love you all. I know Ms. Brittany will take good care of you all! Be good and visit me!

Disney!!

2008-09-18T20:30:00.008-04:00

On Wednesday I took a day off to go to Disney with Kenny and some of his family. It was cool because we went to Magic Kingdom of which I had never really done much there before so it was nice to finally experience it. It was a full day, we got there as they opened and stayed to watch the fireworks.

It made me wish I could take more days off just to do things I enjoy. I have been realizing for a while now that I don't like my job. I have been doing the same thing since I graduated high school and now that I am a college graduate I am wondering why I am still doing this? I always miss my kids when I'm not there (like yesterday), but I make no money and have no benefits. I am 24 and I have nothing that I thought I would have by now. I have no significant savings, no health care, still can't pay all of my bills. I honestly have no clue why I am still doing this. I work with people that can't do their job and annoy the crud out of me. Not to mention all the horrific, stupid "guidelines" we have to go by that are set by people who don't even work there.

I am just so ready for something different. I feel like since I have finished college that I am not really living, that I'm just waiting for something to begin to get me on to the next place I am supposed to be. I just don't like that feeling. I know if I stay where I am at I will never get anywhere.

Worst Day Ever

2008-09-05T19:24:00.003-04:00

So I have had my job since March and when I first started working there was a girl in my class that has been in foster care since birth (along with the preschool). Her biological mother was still having visits and trying to get her back. I soon discovered that her mother had numerous children in the foster system and was pregnant with her 6th child. Put very simply she is not fit to be a mother. Now I know that sounds harsh but working with this child and seeing the affects of her spending time with her real mother was enough proof for me. Her mom's addicted to pot and meth, beyond many other major issues.

About three months ago the ways these visits were affecting the kid in my class seemed to worsen. She became extremely angry, aggressive, and violent. She would wake up from nap time screaming and crying with no way to comfort her. It was obvious that even though she is not yet 2 she knows something is up and she feels emotionally torn. To anyone who knows anything about her case, her biological and foster care family it is obvious where she would be better off (in my opinion at least). Around this time she became extremely attached to me, and I to her. For some reason or another she would only go to me and if I was not in the room she would always ask for me.

About a month and a half ago we found out that she would more than likely be going back to her biological mother. I was so shocked and still can't comprehend who would put her back with her mother.

So to get to the "worst day ever" part. First of all I was late to work because neither one of my alarms went off this morning. And today was her last day with her foster mom. Tuesday is the last court date and when her biological mother will take her. This morning her foster mom dropped her off and hung out in the room for a little while talking to us. After she left I lost it. It was a massive cry fest. It just sucks so bad. Her real mom isn't even going to keep her in school there, even though she has been there since she was born. It pisses me off so bad, the one thing in her life that is stable her mother is taking away. Everything is changing at once for her and she needs something stable, but does her mother care?

So needless to say I am too attached to my kids and I can't handle it. I've been saying this forever, but I've never been this attached to kids I've worked with.

Another example... I'm going over to one of my kids house to put them to sleep when my roommate is the one babysitting the kids, but we know he won't go to sleep without me.

I Wish

2008-08-13T20:40:00.003-04:00

So is it bad that as I'm walking through the door to work I see one of my parents and she tells me "Your kid is wanting you" (her kid) and I don't know which one she was talking about? I figured it was her son that she was referring to, but there is another girl that says my name all freakin day and as soon as she gets there she has to come to me. At least I had it narrowed down to two. So when I realized she was talking about her kid I just wanted to say, I wish he was mine, need me to take him off your hands?

Uh, oh well. Everybody thinks he is my kid anyway lol. I guess he does kind of look like me, but unfortunately, he's not mine. :(

Home....

2008-08-03T15:21:00.003-04:00

I have really enjoyed being home again. It has been good to see my family and a few friends. This short amount of time being away from work has allowed me to do some thinking and processing of some things. It has been good.

On Wednesday while I was flying up to Tennessee I finally realized (even though not the full extent) why parents freak out when they leave their kids behind with someone else. The whole day of flying I was missing my kids and swore I would never take a day off again. I just kept thinking about what was going on at work (or not going on at work) while I was gone. I think I have turned into this crazy compulsive person that doesn't want anything to be out of place. It's so weird because I was never like this before.

All the feelings of home hit hard this morning at church. I walked in and saw old friends and alot of new faces. Some things were the same, some things were new, but the thing that remained the same was the strong feeling of love and care that smacks you in the face as you walk in the door. Even though I have not lived in Tennessee for a while now, I still consider Pastor Jason my pastor. It was like I had never left, I felt right at home.

Before worship started I was sitting and considering this concept of people (and myself) "searching for a church" or "finding the right church for them" and how flawed this idea really is. Why do we have to find the right church for us? If we are Christians and the church is Christian then why should we have to consider it? What exactly are we considering? Shouldn't every church we walk into give us the above feeling I had earlier today? This feeling of love, acceptance, care...of God. Should we not feel as though from the people that they are people that want to experience and go through life with us and us with them? You know to be the body of Christ.

Well to answer the above questions of why do we have to find the right church for us, or feel as though this is the case and what are we considering when looking for a church we must consider the church today. There are no longer just churches, there are purpose driven churches, emerging churches, old school churches, church plants, churches that focus on entertainment, churches that focus on old people, kids, youth, young adults....and on and on we could go. But through this all this idea of the church focusing on a certian thing or group or having a specific vision we loose our (the churches) true purpose and calling. We begin to overlook the important things and push them in the closet that no one dares to open.

I seriously doubt that in the first century church people in the church at Philipi worried about visiting the church in Ephesus. I really don't see a couple saying, well I hope we like their pastor or the worship music or I hope they don't do this or that. No because all they knew and cared about was that they were family, the body of Christ. How many of us today even consider this concept? Most of us are too busy arguing with other local pastors over your VBS weeks falling on the same week and you don't want to loose any of your kids to his churches VBS. Or we were planning on doing this and it was our idea first and you stole it. Why aren't we working together to be the body of Christ and understanding the concept of family?

I know this is not a new problem or issue in the church, but I have not understood why no one is doing anything to try and change it. Is it because of pride? Is it because of "our church was here first?" Is it because of differneces in beliefs or lifestyles?

Just some thoughts from this morning.

Moving Sucks

2008-07-19T13:56:00.001-04:00

So today begins the moving process. I hate moving, especially in Florida when its not the two weeks of the year when its somewhat cold, or at least not humid. I know I will move again in a year when I get married, but I swear I am selling all my furniture and just taking clothes and small things. No joke, I (and Kenny) hate the furniture I have now.

So anyways at least our new apt. will be nicer and newer so that will be good. All three of us are trying to move our stuff in before we go on vacation. One of us is leaving tonight, second one on the 28th and then I leave on the 30th, so yeah its kinda crazy.

Transitions

2008-07-09T21:09:00.002-04:00

So within the last few days I have experienced or seen myself in a different way and I must say it is kind of strange. I have never been the take control kind of person, but because of current events I have uncontrollably stepped into that role without even thinking about it. It kinda feels good too.

Not at all like I am a boss or over anyone, but I do get a say and get to make decisions that normally other people have been making. Even thinking about it makes me not want to be put in the situation, but I think its about time for me to once again get out of my comfort zone.

Communication...Important!

2008-06-30T22:13:00.005-04:00

Recently I have learned the importance of communication. Not only is the lack of communication annoying to numerous people, but it can be damaging and cause more problems in the end. People want to know what is going on and why in order to know what they need to do.

Where I work everyone sucks at communication. You hear one thing from one person and something else from anyone else you talk to. You get told one thing and something else actually happens. It is highly annoying to me. And as soon as you think you have it figured out it gets changed again. Now I understand that things come up at last minute and there has to be changes made, but this is seriously everyday.

Where there is a lack of communication even simple tasks become difficult. There is a reason we have communication abilities and that is to make things easier. To understand, to comprehend and do. Where there is no knowledge of something that needs to be done, that something does not get done.

Another problem non communication brings with it is that everyone seems to blame everyone else. There is always a finger to point at someone different. It's like a big game of clue, and not the dvd edition, the old school edition. The he said she said, he did she did, or in most cases didn't do. Wouldn't communication just be easier?

Yeah so sometimes communicating sucks and sometimes you have to say things that you don't want to but have to. But would you rather leave it unsaid and everyone still know something is up?

I know from past experiences that sometimes I do poorly at communicating. Not that I do no communicating, just not in the way I think it is understood.

Either way just so you know communication is good, you should use it often, in fact the scale reads the goodness of communication at 100%

So go be jolly and communicate with friends, co workers, family, and even strangers!

Flying Babies!

2008-06-25T23:34:00.003-04:00

I saw this video and it made me think about how different cultures are. This is definitely one of those things if Americans did it would be considered child abuse, but for them its a good luck ritual. Things like this always make me wonder what other cultures think of some of the things that Americans do. I just find it interesting how different people around the world are.

Interesting News

2008-06-25T23:25:00.003-04:00

So as I was sitting around trying to find out a little bit about what has been going on lately I found a few interesting stories I thought I would share.

First, headlines read "School locked down after ninja sighted in woods" .

Then there's this one

Hmmm...interesting.

Something Special for You

2008-06-19T22:59:00.004-04:00

So..umm...yeah I know it's been a while, sorry bout that it's been pretty crazy lately. One week I was at work on my own pretty much so that was insane, then I just got over being sick which was not fun and all that jazz.

Things seem to be somewhat back to normal now though so that is good. So in order to make up for being gone for so long some humorous videos.

And their kids are smarter than ours....

Then we let our children watch this and wonder why they have nightmares

Christianity Today

2008-05-22T21:10:00.004-04:00

As a kind of warning, I will say this post is completely my thoughts and strong feelings that most would agree are not positive. So there is a possibility that someone will be offended or extremely pissed off.

I am so sick of Christians today. Which is sad considering I actually am one. Their whole mindset and proclamation of "it's all about God" but yet everything they do seems to point to them. Their grand ideals of let's put God's name on it and we can sell it, make it bigger and better while scamming and ripping off people. The, I have the answers because God told me but I'm not telling you because I wrote a book that you can pay for to find out, as opposed to reading the Bible or asking God yourself. Something about these and numerous other concepts makes me think otherwise.

I don't understand this whole let's change the world and do something in the community that is preached from the stage, but yet people in the congregation don't even know or speak to each other. We don't even help each other out not to mention considering people outside the church. The people that do have to plaster their church/group name all over everything whether its t shirts, water bottles, or whatever they are handing out to people. Why can't we just do something or give something just to do it and not advertise or try to immediately convert people. Do we really think these people care if we have a cool group name with an amazing logo that someone worked 5 days on? Why can't we just love people?

Another concept I do not understand is that of the ideal of revival. One definition of revival is a service or series of services for the purpose of effecting a religious awakening. When I think of revival the first thing that comes to mind is not cramming Christians into a building to laugh, shake, or fall on the ground. I think of Christians actually fulfilling their calling to care and provide for each other and for others, to love unconditionally. I, having grown up A/G, have no problem with church services or things that may happen in them,(well some of them) but I do not understand how people expect to gather together and receive manifestations or gifts or whatever you want to call them for themselves and expect to have these magically save people outside the building they are in.

I am in no way trying to dismiss the work that God can do in a person or how God does things in people. I however do not agree with people focusing on these things or experiences that make them feel good or holy. Whatever happened to the Bible being preached in churches today? Have we forgotten about this book that people in past generations have died to save and give to others?

I just completely don't understand and I am just airing out my frustrations. I'm not saying I do everything better because I don't. Neither am I saying that I have some grand answer or plan. I'm just saying that we need to re evaluate what our calling, desires, and actions are and how they are really affecting the world around us.

Dreaming

2008-05-15T18:29:00.003-04:00

We all do it, whether we remember it or not. Some of the things we do when dreaming/sleeping is quite odd or interesting. For instance, I have been told that I sometimes talk in my sleep and I have at times woke myself up from laughing, yes laughing. Crazy I know. My past college roommates found it annoying. See I don't have a cute little laugh. I have an extremely loud and annoying laugh. But I would have to say most of all I have an ability to vividly remember my dreams. For the most part I have always liked that I could remember my dreams and found it to be somewhat entertaining. I can still remember dreams that I had years ago.

But there are other times that it is not as amusing, actually not amusing at all. That's when remembering your dreams is the last thing you want. It's weird how something like dreams affect you. Some say that you dream about whatever you are thinking about, or what your real desires are. How can dreams make you remember things that you never would otherwise ?

So the other night was one of those nights that I wish I would not have remembered my dream when I woke up. I woke up angry, embarrassed, and all sorts of other emotions and memories going through my mind. It totally threw off my day and I could not shake it. It pretty much sucked. I don't like that a silly little dream can produce so many thoughts/emotions.

Even in my dream I was angry about something and as soon as I woke up I was actually angry. There are some things that you can block out and put behind you, but for me for some reason they always end up in my dreams. It's like I can never get rid of it! Even if I am not thinking about it or have nothing to do with it in my life, it still finds me somehow. Why!!!!!

Update

2008-05-05T20:11:00.003-04:00

Well since it has been a while I thought I would do a simple update.

Work has been pretty crazy lately. First, one of the greatest kids ever left and moved to another preschool which sucks. He was amazing and extremely smart. I will miss him. Then Thursday and Friday I had a few that were sick and had to go home. Or so we tried to get them home, for some reason parents don't want to take off work to take care of their kids. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that people have to work and I understand that some bosses don't care and don't want you to take off. But it's your kid, their getting sick all over the place, want you, have a fever, and just want to be home.

Anyways, it was like shooting people in the foot, but some actually succeeded in taking them home...some. So of course I get sick over the weekend and almost called in sick today but decided to go in.

I have been doing a lot of lesson plans for the month of June and I have been coming up with some pretty good ideas. There are a few I am not sure if I will actually do though because they would really be better for older kids. I don't know I might just try them out anyways, I'm still thinking about it.

Amazing!!!

2008-04-27T16:34:00.000-04:00

Just Another Day

2008-04-22T20:47:00.003-04:00

Today at work one of my kids, actually the coolest/cutest kid there, had on a t shirt that said Chicks Dig Me with the little baby chick on it. All I can say is so true, so true. I was jealous because he gave all his kisses away today and I didn't get any :( Maybe tomorrow.

On the other hand, I am still throwing around the idea of writing children's curriculum. Not so much on a large scale, but maybe just on a requested basis or something. Not that I know of anyone looking for someone to write them curriculum, so in case you randomly do, let me know!

My Life Is So Blah

2008-04-20T23:04:00.003-04:00

Nothing seems to be working out the way I would like it to right now. I have a job, but it's not the best and definitely not that good of pay. Of which by the way, now I have to do more and still not get payed for it? Come on I think I should get payed more than I do now and now I have to do more, not cool. Anyways, when I first started working I thought I could do this my whole life and be happy and now I am realizing this is no longer the case.

I have gotten nothing accomplished as far as wedding plans, still don't have a place, or any real direction or guidance. I never hang out with anyone, I feel as though I have no friends. I know I do I just don't see them very often. I will look through my phone for people to call and talk to and I can't find a single person to call. I have been really lonely lately and don't care much for it.

I'm stressed about saving money and trying to pay all my bills at the same time. I just don't know how it is going to happen. I need a new car, every time I turn around something else is wrong with it it seems like.

I want my "dream job" but have no experience or way to get it. I would feel bad if I left the job I have now, it took me so long to find this one. I continually think, maybe I can just get an additional job, but I know that I don't have the energy for it.

I went and worked out a little bit today. It has been the first time in a month, since I started my job. I just don't feel like doing anything when I get home and it really sucks. I don't want to live like this, I don't want to be married and sit on the couch every night after work until I finally fall asleep and get up to do it all over again. I don't want to sleep until noon on the weekends because I've had to get up early all week. Why can't I just find something that fits me?

I want to give up and I haven't even started anything yet.

Odd Topic

2008-04-13T13:06:00.004-04:00

So I am going to share something I have experienced a number of times and was reminded of it the other day. To me it just doesn't make sense. There could be a very easy explanation to the situation, but I just do not understand and think it is kind of ironic.

There have been numerous times I have been shopping/buying something in an electronic/computer store. Yesterday I had to go buy a new printer so I found myself in one again. The strange thing to me always is found when checking out. Why does a store who you can go to and buy all the new technological advances, computers, programs, cell phones, or anything else have the oldest, what I would think compared to now crappiest computers at the check out lines?

Does this make sense to anyone else? Maybe the programs are easier or quicker for what they are doing, or maybe there is some other good reason, but it is still kind of strange. Or maybe other stores at locations I have not been to have newer computer systems, but every store I can think of that I have been in have them (not that I travel the country visiting computer stores).

Another place I have noticed this is at car repair shops. I don't know it is just something that I think is kind of weird. I'm not saying it is illogical, just strange to me. Has anyone else noticed this?

Yeah for Family

2008-04-11T21:24:00.003-04:00

This weekend I took off a few days of work and my parents and grandmother came for a visit. I have had an amazing time with them. I miss my family. It really sucks being so far from everyone. I live in Florida, my brother and his family in Louisiana, my parents in Tennessee, and a really cool cousin in Georgia. It all sounds somewhat close, but we never get to see each other it seems like.

I wish we were all closer and could spend more time together. Regardless of the distance this weekend was so much fun! We went to Mt. Dora and did some antique shopping and had dinner with Kenny's parents. Hung around here and did some errands that needed to be done and just had time to be with each other. It has been great.

I also got a new phone this weekend...finally!!! Yeah for being able to sit in my apartment and talk on the phone without losing the call ten times. It's a LG Shine. I like it, it's pretty cool. I haven't figured out a lot of things yet but I will soon.

2008-04-05T18:04:00.001-04:00

Oh The Joys of Kids

2008-04-03T17:57:00.002-04:00

Today I had to go into work early and it was a pretty sucky morning. So I went on break early and came back around 12, during nap time. This afternoon was much better. Still a little crazy but not as bad as earlier. Before I took them outside for the afternoon we were in the room playing and this one kid randomly started dancing. It was so freakin funny! I wish I would have had my camera, I am so gonna get it on video one day!

Of course as soon as he heard my distinct laugh (and I totally did the whole laugh and clap) he thought it was so funny he kept dancing. I could not stop laughing. All the kids completely stopped what they were doing and looked at me like I was crazy.

I remember one girl telling me that he had a funny dance, but I never expected it to be that funny.

Where Did That Come From?

2008-03-31T19:18:00.005-04:00

Have you ever missed a place or someone so much that even when you are not there or with them you feel like you are? I know it sounds like a dumb family sitcom episode but it totally happened to me the other night.

I was with Kenny having dinner at Chili's and in the middle of my food I had this overwhelming feeling that I was in Venezuela again. I have no idea why or what caused it. I know it sounds crazy. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was the design on the tables, or maybe it was the food I was eating, but for some reason I began to have a deep, heavy longing to go back to Venezuela. Then I realized that it was this exact time of year when I went 2 years ago.

Either way, I became sad because I was not really there, it was like someone played a bad trick on me or something. To be honest I really do not understand why I have such a longing and passion for Venezuela. Maybe because it was the first foreign country I visited somehow making it my "first love" if you will. Or maybe God just really is trying to tell me something. I don't know. Maybe He is just trying to rekindle my desire for missions.

I just know I miss everything about it, the people, the scenery...everything. Even though I couldn't understand a thing while I was there because I do not know Spanish (sad I know).

I was on my lunch today trying to figure it out. Where this overwhelming feeling came from and why it came about? I started thinking about different memories made on that trip. Then I started thinking about the book I am still reading and what people say about mission trips. You always hear stories of people on their trips when they first come back and are still all excited about it, but then they forget as life goes on in America or wherever they return to. Obviously not in all cases this happens, but this seems to be the general consensus.

I can't say that I am much different of course I go about my daily duties at home, but I still feel this strong urge or longing for not just Venezuela, but many different countries I have studied in the past. I also try to keep up with world news as much as possible. But at the same time I would never see myself asking people for money for a missions trip. I don't like that whole idea of raising money for trips, even though you are going to use it for good things and to help people. I don't know why I have just never felt right about it.

When I was looking for a job I wanted to work in a missions agency so bad, even if I was just an assistant or someone in the office and never got to go anywhere. Most of those jobs are volunteer though, nothing I'm against, I just can't pay rent off of it. I would still like to do something like that someday though.

Random I know, just had to let it out.

Never Been So Scared In My Life

2008-03-27T19:29:00.003-04:00

It has been pretty crazy lately since I have started working. I pretty much come home and go to bed most nights, a group of 1 year olds does it for me. Today wasn't much different...or so I thought. I was by myself today which wasn't too bad until this afternoon.

Now I have worked with kids for quite a while now and have learned some lessons no adult could ever teach me. I have also had a taste of reality on things we know are true but we don't really realize until it happens.

That is just the kind of incident that happened today. I must say it scared the crap (and more) out of me. I can in no way express the way it made me feel other than I hope to never feel that way again. It is one of those things I just want to know and think nothing about the reality of.

Even though I was aware ahead of time that the action occurs on occasion I was in no way expecting to experience it. I have one kid that when he gets really upset and is crying he reaches the uncontrollable crying stage and then stops breathing and blacks out.

This afternoon we were getting ready to go outside and as I am getting ready to let everyone out he is crying on the other side of the room. All of a sudden I didn't hear him crying anymore. I turned around and saw him falling backwards and hitting the ground like a ton of bricks. I immediately ran to him and then realized I have no clue what to do. He started turning blue. I jumped up to the door and yelled for a coworker. Then ran back and remembered that someone said to blow in his face and he usually wakes up, so I was blowing like crazy. It seemed like forever, but he woke up. I was shaking so bad and so nervous the rest of the afternoon.

I've had other scary experiences while working with kids, but never anything like that. People always say about people who care for kids "Their lives are in your hands, their your responsibility" but I have never felt it. It's something I know but care not to experience. All I could think was that this kid can seriously die or have brain damage if he doesn't wake up soon.

Fortunately he did and seemed to be ok or at least as ok as you can possibly be after blacking out. Yeah, so that was only half my day!

Employed!

2008-03-23T15:48:00.004-04:00

I finally got a job! Whooohooo!!! I get a paycheck on Friday!!! Whooohoooo!! I'm very excited that now I can begin saving money for the wedding and pretty much everything else that I need to.

My family is coming to visit in a few weeks and I am very excited to see them and actually have time to do things with them while they are here this time.

2008-03-15T02:35:00.002-04:00

so I found this video and had to put it up. I think it's freakin halarious

Silly Americans

2008-03-13T18:56:00.003-04:00

The book I have been reading is quite interesting, which coming from me means something. I easily get bored with reading and do not usually enjoy it unless it is a book that really captures my attention. This one surely has. Not that it has any grand new ideas in it. I mean most of what I have read so far seems to be pretty common sense stuff, but the way he puts it and uses real examples is quite interesting.

It describes the difference between how American visitors think and view other countries/peoples and how the nationals view us. Mostly involving short term mission projects and the way America does church and how we think other countries and cultures should do church the same way we do. I sometimes find myself laughing at the comments people have really made while doing short term mission trips. He usually starts by describing the American view point and then moving to the nationals view point. Other times I find myself floored and angered by how stupid people can be.

It is a pretty good book and I would encourage anyone interested and up for a good laugh every now and then to give it a look.

Another recent captivator of my interest would be National Geographic's When Humans Disappear .

Very interesting...it is sad to see how our lack of caring for the earth has affected it, yet at the same time it is also interesting to see great buildings and works of art that has been created by man.

2008-03-07T22:36:00.004-05:00

So I have been debating for the last few weeks what to do as far as the job situation. My current situation- unemployed. Nothing seems to be opening up for me here. The only thing I have experience in requires credentials and classes that would require me to go back to school to get, even though I have years of experience. Everything else such as working in an office or anything of the like require years of experience of which I don't have. What ever happened to entry level jobs or employers being willing to train people?

The last few weeks I have been considering going back home. I really do not want to for many reasons.
(1) I would leave my roommate with no one and have to break the lease and pay for it,

(2) I would have to go back home of which would drive me crazy after a few days,

(3) I would have to leave Kenny which would suck,

(4) it would be extremely difficult to plan a wedding in Florida if I was not here,

(5)I have been trying to convince my best friend to move down here and live with me so if she came down and I would feel bad,

(6)even though I would be with my family I would be extremely lonely, and

(7) I know I would lose my motivation to work out and get in shape,

Positives of going back home.
(1) I could actually find a job (it would be easier at least),

(2) I could see and have time with some good, old friends,

(3) I could save money for the wedding, and

(4) I could actually see my family of which I feel like I never get to do.

So I know that it should be an easy decision and I know that it wouldn't be the worst thing ever to go home for a year or a little longer, but I still keep holding on to the hope that I will find a job here in Florida.

2008-03-07T22:24:00.001-05:00

Trends That Never End (and should have already)

2008-02-26T14:55:00.004-05:00

You know I really thought (hoping at least) that the whole let's make church cool trend would be over by now. I guess I was wrong, sadly.

Or what about those things you see in church that you swear you've seen before? Oh, yes it's true, you have, many times actually. Why is it that churches for some reason think they can take an old concept that has been beaten to death and make it mean what they want it to and everyone think it's new and original?

I don't understand, why can we not come up with new ideas for children's ministry? I know someone out there somewhere has and is doing things extremely different, but the "old way" still seems to be winning the majority. I was looking at some children's church websites the other night and everything I found was magic tricks, puppets, clowns.... and does no one realize (other than the kids themselves) these things are creepy?

Children's Shows

2008-02-26T14:19:00.004-05:00

So I was watching current tv today and they showed an interesting video clip of a children's show aired on Hamas tv. They obviously take seriously the "learning from others mistakes" model.

WOW!

After the first clip I got curious as to what else is out there. So this is what kids in Northern Ireland watch!

Missing "Home"

2008-02-22T03:13:00.010-05:00

Back in 2006 during spring break I went on my first missions trip to Venezuela and Colombia with fx.

It was one of the most amazing experiences in my life. They go on a missions trip every year and when the time comes around for their next trip, all the memories seem to flood back and I get the desire to go back or to go somewhere else. Even though we only spent a week there it seemed like much longer. We met some amazing people and to me it felt more like home than home did.

Eventually I want to be able to travel and work with orphanages or mission agencies, or pretty much any ministry.

So for memories sake here are some pictures!

Me, Chris (our translator), and Steve

Me with Kids in Colombia

FX Team and College Group in Venezuela

...........maybe someday............

Which Do You Choose?

2008-02-20T15:09:00.005-05:00

So I have been thinking a bit about writing children's curriculum. I have actually started a few lessons, but then began thinking about it a little more.

This process all began while I was working at a church and seeing the curriculum they used. I then began thinking about other types of curriculum I have used in the past at different churches. To me it seems like many churches just buy what seems to be 'popular' or 'in' with the kids at that time. Or we buy whatever has the best looking cover, or whatever will 'entertain' the kids the most. Or possibly we are thinking about the teachers as opposed to the children when buying curriculum. What would be easy for the teacher, what would be something they could teach? Shouldn't it be the other way around? What would the kids get out of this?

If we all be honest for a second, unfortunately we do not know our children as much as we would think we do. So this sparked an interest within me to create some grand new wonderful way of doing curriculum for children, but as I began in this journey I soon discovered some issues.

First of all there are what seems like billions of different children's curriculum to choose from to begin with, along with free lessons and crafts you can find online. There are lessons for big churches for small churches, for different types of churches. So what would make someone buy my curriculum, what would make it stand out? And is that what it's all about? Making it stand out or look better than the others? Has it all become this new competition within the church? Who buys mine and who buys yours, and who makes their own the best? Who freaking cares, what about whose relates to the kids and helps them in their journey to God or with God?

I mean honestly, I am a nobody when it comes to knowing the secrets and what works and what doesn't and all that. Who is going to look at my name at the bottom of the cover and say oh well if she wrote it it has to be good, we should get it?

I don't even know if it is about writing curriculum now, but through this process I have seen things that disturb me when it comes to church. Ok let's be honest again, church so desires to be able to have the 'top gadgets' to use in church, but the sad part is whenever they finally do get to speed with the rest of the world they completely use it in the wrong way. Example: plasma tv's are for some reason the holy grail of the church today. If you don't have one in your church...well anyways. But how do we use these plasmas? On the stage during worship? Now someone tell me why I need to look at a freaking plasma during worship (while people are on the stage) that have cheesy scenery from a 1980's computer on it? How exactly does that 'enhance my worship experience?' Next thing you know there will no longer be people on the stage playing instruments or singing, they will be crammed backstage and they will be on the plasma for the congregation to worship.

And how has teaching children changed over the years? How has the thought process in developing curriculum changed? I don't know, I think that it is time to change the way kids have church. All we are teaching them now is to sit down and listen and watch this dvd about Jesus and how we can be good kids, and then expect 2yr olds to sit still. Where's the interaction? And no...finding a magic key to open a magic chest in a blues clues like cartoon is not the interaction I am talking about.

What is even sadder is I have had to teach lessons that if I was a parent I would have wondered 'what the crap you are teaching my child' and would not have wanted my child to be in that lesson.

How are we helping the parents teach their children? How are we connecting the family together?

As much work as it is to write a curriculum, I am wondering if it is worth it. There is good curriculum out there, but unfortunately some churches abuse and completely tear apart the way it is meant to be used. Now don't get me wrong, everyone should take what you have and make it fit or make it unique to your children, but some just completely batter it and make it useless.

In my perfect world curriculum would change just a little as far as churches would choose a writer to come in and spend time with the children during their lessons, get to know them, their level, their church, their parents, and create a curriculum specifically for that church to use. Now obviously that would take years to accomplish along with a good amount of patience from both the church and the writer. But that's how it would be in my perfect world.

Beginnings

2008-02-19T22:07:00.000-05:00

So I decided since I have plenty of time on my hands I would start a blog. I'm sure it will be nothing big, just something to do to talk out some ideas and fill my day with something. I know some extreme bloggers out there who go as far as theming their blogs and sticking to those main topics. That's cool and all but I do not really seeing myself going there quite yet.

So anyways, I am beginning a new journey. Be sure to check it out every so often.

Pics

2008-02-19T00:22:00.001-05:00